Hi there, I am a soul from the United Kingdom discovering love, truth, knowledge, God and enlightenment. I am a full-time writer, poet, philosopher, free-spirit, traveller, artist, African Djembe drummer, gardener, photographer, yogi, blogger, knowledge addict and student of the universe who is searching for truth, knowledge, what it means to be human and why I am on this planet. I love to laugh and have deep, meaningful conversations.
DiosRaw is my therapy, a place I can be myself in all its rawness. I needed a place to get out my inner world and publish it somewhere within this global cyberspace, for myself and for anyone else’s consolation out there.
This is my journey, featuring daily research series on spirituality, philosophy and various different topics, alternative therapies, spiritual resources, journal entries, poetry, collaborations, quotes, proverbs, news, photography and anything that I find of interest.
As of April 2021, during this time of personal and planetary disemberment, I am experiencing severe health issues but I keep going each day through the hell and dualistic blessings of this wonderous cosmos. I live with my partner, who I met under magical circumstances, he has saved my life many times and is my best friend who I have shared beautiful experiences with.
I’ve have a passion for knowledge and educating myself with many diverse interests covering psychology, yoga, gardening, african djembe drumming, shamanism, philosophy, djing, Buddhism, Hinduism, spirituality, astronomy, science, photography, music and beyond. I’ve taken many online courses and areas of study to try to gain an holistic view of the world from different perspectives.
My story began in a little village in England, growing up in the beautiful English countryside. At around the age of 14 I started to isolate myself more and more from the world. I was fed up with small talk, with the bullying and always looked deeper into things. I lost my hair due to anorexia, shaved it off and developed a rare condition called AMP (amplified musculoskeletal pain) which caused a burning, tingling sensation all over my scalp. This experience of loosing my identity, the hair, catalysed my spiritual journey as I started asking many questions. I isolated myself from everyone around me and spent most of my time in my bedroom. From morning to evening I devoured more and more information, studying science, religion, philosophy, spirituality, to find answers, to become knowledgeable and to create self-worth built on knowledge. I was a knowledge addict. If I didn’t get my fix of documentaries, research or if I didn’t feel I had learnt enough in a day I would feel abnormal and an uncomfortable feeling stirred in me. At this time I had a dark night of the soul experience, spending endless hours lost in the deepest depression, by myself, all I wanted was my own company – it was safe; OCD also reared it’s head to cope with the chaos of my reality. I never spoke much for these four years in a bedroom, I didn’t go out much or socialise, I had forgotten the sound of my own voice. Meditating night and day I was like a monk. I studied psychedelics, enlightenment and only wanted to pursue self-awareness and understanding, to be enlightened so to say. I read channellings about the spirit world, the soul path and believed I was following my unique journey. Everything will be understood in the end, the tapestry of life will reveal itself I told myself. During this time I discovered Ayahuasaca (a South American entheogenic drink made out of Banisteriopsis caapi vine and other ingredients) when I stumbled upon a documentary. All these truth seekers taking this plant medicine brew in the jungle was something I felt I needed to do. I yearned for deeper wisdom, self-understanding and healing. This medicine called to me. I felt a calling. All I wanted to do was go to the jungle and study with shamans, participate in an apprenticeship and heal myself. All my teenage years were spent waiting to board a plane to Peru at 18; I wanted to put the past behind me and become a new person in the jungle. I yearned for the jungle, it feels like my home and still does. The bio-diversity, the beauty, the rawness, the purity and the wildness pulled. “Please take me home God,” I prayed. I said to my mum, “I want to go home.”
I had a sense of purity about me, having isolated myself. All this changed when I went out into the world.
My long-term vision since I was a young teenager was to travel Central America and South America from Mexico down to Peru. Dreaming of living in the Amazon rainforest, after chancing upon a documentary, becoming a shaman’s apprentice, studying plant medicine and tribes at 18, when these plans came to an end as the retreat centre I was going to work at went bankrupt. Many shamans believe I am to become a shamanic healer in this lifetime. I was told, somehow it came up in conversation, that on my dad’s side, my great great grandmother, was a “quack” which means someone who dealt with herbal medicine, she could “see things” and people went to her if they had a problem.
I went travelling in 2017 until 2019 and nothing has been the same since. In 2017 I went out in the world to travel around Europe, I felt freedom for the first time, a relief from all the depression of past years and my hand burnt in the fire. After travelling I came back traumatised through homelessness, betrayal, addiction, living out in -3 degrees, seeing things any young person would be brought to their knees when endured amongst many other things. I felt as if I had lived a lifetime or more in two years. I was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, depression and fibromyalgia (a chronic pain condition all over the body causing burning sensations and cognitive issues) in October 2019.
In England from July 2019 I have felt as if I am in a hell realm, like fragments of my soul have left my body. Many symptoms trouble me: muscle tremors, shakes, headaches, head pressure, chronic body pain (tingling sensations of pain, as if a burning pan is on my skin, knives jabbing into my skin all over or acid is wearing away my muscles), with dissociatiom and disorientation, memory blanks; sometimes where I don’t recognise where I am fully or who I am. Reality is blurry, my memory is not so good, feeling on edge with hyperactivity a lot of the time with manic states, I cannot feel emotion, it is like being trapped in a numb decaying body, I cannot cry or feel anything except pain with no mood, completely flat-lined, transparent, like a ghost, my breathing is weak, onstant headaches and pressure, third eye pressure, fatigued all of the time, feeling as if I could collapse at any moment, racy thoughts that feel uncontrollable. I see tracers in my visual field, three seconds of someone’s previous position traced; I can see where someone has previously been. Spiritual abilities have awakened, claircognizance, I know when things will happen sometimes or information about events or people, I know by sensing peoples energy when they are lying or putting up a block, sometimes I can sense someone’s aura or energetic field, I know how someone is feeling just by being with them or from a distance and I can connect with people so deeply. I feel detached from the world, depersonalized, dissociated, derealized, lost in a dream-like state with no ground or foundation. Nothing feels real. The world feels grey and empty. It feels as if I have been on a hard drug for months like speed even though I haven’t. Strung out. On edge. Every day is panic for me. Survival mode. I have so much to give to the world and experience, but I cannot live like this, it is hell and unbearable. I know something has gone wrong in my body, a big neuro-chemical imbalance that makes me feel like I am trapped in a permanent state of a drug comedown. I’m scared and find all the things that come with human life difficult. There is no pleasure, food does not taste the same, it tastes like plastic. People sometimes do not appear real, like plastic and giving a hug feels like someone is hugging a ghost. I wake in so much pain and go to sleep in so much pain. Currently I am doing what I can to help myself, I tried councilling in 2019 but it didn’t give me coping mechanisms or provide clarity on the past, I was with a youth mental health team, part of the NHS, but every meeting consisted of filling out forms, I discharged myself. I somehow managed to work in a hippie shop from the end of July 2019 to not be isolated in a village and kill myself but lost my job at the end of January 2020 because I could no longer do it. I’ve tried alternative therapies such as massages, reiki, energy healing, gong baths and medications, I went to see osteopaths but nothing seems to work at all. The NHS has not helped me at all with my pain phsyically or mentally, left outside in the rain, forgotten and given medication to take which has further destroyed my health and has made me an addict. The pharmaceuticals have damaged my gut lining and I am only able to eat around eight foods or else an allergic reaction will occur. I tried to take my life four times in 2019 due to not being able to cope with all that is going on in my life. Some days I can’t get out of bed, sometimes I find it hard to communicate because the medications make my mind feel numbed and blocked. I can’t work right now, I am too weak mentally and physically, I was signed off work for a year since March 2020. I pretend to be normal when I have to and am screaming inside every moment of everyday.
I cannot concieve of a future lost in a hazy cloud of fog crawling on the earth in the dark. I don’t know what is happening. I can do what I can, the rest I surrender to God. I pray to God, my soul, my higher self, my spirit guides and archangels everyday for healing to help me get through this and for me to feel normal again. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to feel normal and wonder if I have permanent damage, will I ever recover?
In the future I would like to succeed in my personal and planetary goals of writing books, starting rehabilitation centres for people from all walks of life, growing DiosRaw, spread knowledge, be a loving strong force in the world, travel, heal, love myself more and more, continue on the path of enlightenment, gain knowledge, become a shaman’s apprentice, use plant medicine, speak truth, make documentaries and friends, report on unreported issues in the world and experience many things on my bucketlist; above all to fulfil my purpose of becoming a shaman (a spiritual healer/medicine woman).
A brief synopsis of my story.
In March 2021, I deleted a previously successful blog due to WordPress censorship; I could not interact with my followers properly, the liking function was blocked, comments were deleted and the growth of the blog stagnated. It was tormenting that I couldn’t use the blog properly, all the blood, sweat and tears poured into that blog to no avail. I decided to delete the blog and begin anew with DiosRaw.
I appreciate you following my journey and hope to inspire, share knowledge, enlighten and spread love.
I love you. Love is the answer.
Amber, DiosRaw ~ 14/04/21
diosraw0.wordpress.com ~ Created: 18th March 2021